Revenge.
I want it.
Oh, do I want it.
I need it.
I crave it.
I am completely consumed by the need for it.
Revenge.
You know how there are times in your life
when things seem to be going great?
And then suddenly, out of nowhere,
you round the corner, and bam, someone steps in
and fucks it the fuck up?
And you never saw it coming
because you were too busy being happy.
And I know, that's life.
Shit happens.
You should be a bigger man and just let it go.
Well, I'm a woman, so fuck that.
I want my fucking pound of flesh.
I want my revenge.
And I'm talking real revenge, not the "Hey, I got you
a lifetime subscription to The Watchtower"
kind of revenge, but Shakespearean,
blood-soaked, painful,
soul-crushing revenge.
I will dig out my high school clarinet
and play klezmer music next door to you 24 hours a day.
I will sneak into your basement, and I will fry fish.
I will befriend your only daughter,
and I will introduce her to a poet,
and I will sit at their wedding and I will laugh.
I'm talking Medea-level revenge.
I'm filled with so much fury, and why?
Oh, you already know why.
Well, that's no fun.
Fine.
Yes. That was me.
Standing there on a tarmac, not Penn Station, by the way,
and not "clutching" my suitcase.
"Suitcase," singular.
Please. I haven't traveled with one suitcase
since my first day of kindergarten.
I stood there, and I watched that plane fly away,
and I realized that once again
a man has stepped in and fucked up my life.
And just like the first time,
I was dressed magnificently while he did it.
Fucking revenge!
Where we going?
Back to the city.
Something she forgot to pack?
Just drive.
What's happening here?
Nothing. I just...
Seriously, what's funny?
What are you doing?
That was a hat.
It still had the price tag on it.
Miriam, do we need a pill?
- Hey. - I don't want it.
Well, it completes the outfit. Will you stop?
I don't want anything about this night
or associated with this night in this cab with us.
Am I next?
Stop!
- Stop the cab! - What?
You fucker!
I won.
You thought you could beat me, but you couldn't.
Yeah, you showed him.
Now that the skirt has learned its lesson,
why don't you get back in the ca... Miriam?
Okay, well, that's really the city's job, but...
I hate this night and this outfit
and this whole goddamn world!
- Hey! - I hate this cab.
- Stop that! - This cab took me
- to the airport that I hate! - Hey.
Where the plane was that I hate, on the tarmac...
Hey, what the hell is she doing?
I hate music. I hate music stands.
I hate mic cords.
I hate light cues.
Miriam, enough.
- Ow! - She's crazy.
Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Stop!
Ow! You stop!
Have you lost your mind?
Yes!
My mind, my job, my career.
You haven't lost your career.
I was on tour with the biggest star in the world,
and then suddenly...
he wouldn't even talk to me.
I thought we were friends.
In show business?
I fucked up.
It's not your fault.
I should've been there. If I'd have been there,
- you wouldn't have talked to Reggie. - I would've talked to you.
And I would've told you to just calm the fuck down.
And I would've calmed the fuck down.
And you wouldn't have done that set and ended your career.
My career's ended?
I'm repeating what you said.
But I said it so you'd say it wasn't true.
Here, you want to hit the car again?
You don't think I can come back from this?
I just meant, if I'd have been there,
you wouldn't have done that awful set.
The set was great. The audience laughed
- at every joke. - I just meant,
if I'd have been there, you would've done something else.
- I would've bombed. - Yeah, you would've bombed,
and we would be on a plane to Prague right now.
If I had bombed, they still could've kicked me off the tour.
No, you would've been humiliated,
but then you would've gotten on that plane,
and then you would've bombed in Prague.
What? Why?
Those people don't laugh.
I could've made Prague people laugh.
You've never been to Prague.
What the fuck would you talk about?
I'd find something.
"Hello, Prague. Remember Jews?"
Need a ride?
Look at that, the public still loves you.
I don't want to go back to Queens.
I'm not ready to be a failure yet.
I don't want to go back to my place, either.
Jackie will be installing crown molding.
Chester will be farting a lot.
Ladies, at this rate, I'm gonna be able
to retire off this fare.
Just head to the Village.
You... want to take your branch?
No.
You had that the whole time?
I didn't want you drunk and acting all crazy.
Give me that.
Damn it, I just got this outfit.
Boy, this floor is really sticky.
Are they mopping it?
Oh, yeah. Twice a day.
They call and give me updates.
We talk soap-to-water ratios.
All right.
Oh, it's really fucking sticky.
You sure it's okay that we're here?
Oh, yeah. I called the owner,
and he cleared it with the management,
and they ran it up the flagpole to the board.
All right.
I love that suddenly you're all concerned
about not pissing anybody off.
I stashed this stuff here last time I was hiding out.
- Hey, do you have any seltzer? - Why?
Thought I'd try to get the stain out with seltzer.
- Oh. Try gasoline. - Really?
Yeah. That and a match will take that stain right out.
Hilarious. You should open for Shy Baldwin.
So, pick a spot?
Yep. Anywhere you want.
- Actually, I need to sleep over there. - Okay.
It's just, I had a nightmare when I slept over there.
And over there, different nightmare but just as bad.
Over there, too.
So I'd like to sleep there, in the middle,
- if that's okay. - Uh...
Eh, even if it's not okay, I got to sleep in the middle.
But anywhere else, your choice.
So I have my choice of all the nightmare spots.
Thanks.
Gonna be here all night.
Well, here we are.
Back where it all started.
First time I saw you, you were over there behind the bar.
I was married to Joel.
He was gonna do stand-up.
I brought a brisket.
You remember what you said to me?
No, but I'm sure "fuck you" figured
- somewhere in the sentence. - Yeah.
Who would've thought that less than two years later
I'd end up back here drunk and in my underwear again?
Different underwear.
Did you just find that on the ground?
Yes.
Guess I overpacked.
Susie.
You cheat me out of ten papers today?
Every day, ten to 15 papers short.
Give me a break.
Are you kidding me?
If you're gonna read it, you have to buy it.
I'm already 15 to 20 papers short.
Sorry. I think I have some money in here.
Uh, no.
Not that.
It's not my coat.
Ew. Ew.
Wow.
Susie.
What the fuck are you doing?
You don't wake a person up in the middle of a nightmare.
I was in line at the post office.
Just one guy working, and he got a call.
- I need my money. - Why are you wearing my jacket?
- D-8. - I don't...
D-8, D-8, D-8.
They replaced me with Jack Ballard.
He's doing the rest of the tour and the Christmas special.
So I don't got to read this now, right?
They planned this. They gave this to the papers yesterday,
and they still made us come all the way down to the tarmac
just to see us stand there like a couple of assholes.
Jack Ballard. I thought Jack Ballard was dead.
They wanted to humiliate us.
I think I went to his funeral.
One day, and it's already in the paper.
Moishe's gonna explode.
- Who the fuck is Moishe? - My father-in-law.
He's gonna see that, and he's gonna know
- that I was fired. - So what?
He loaned me the money to buy back my old apartment,
my collateral being my contract
for the tour and the Christmas special.
He was so excited about the Christmas special.
You bought back your old apartment?
- Yes. - When?
- Yesterday. - I was with you yesterday.
- Not all day. - I can't believe this.
I leave you alone for four hours,
and you blow your career and buy an apartment.
You said I didn't blow my career.
Why would you buy an apartment? You don't have any money!
What do you mean, I don't have any money?
You have some money, clearly.
- I saved every cent from the first part of the tour. - I know.
And I am holding it for you. I just...
Why would you buy back your apartment?
Because I don't want to live
with my ex-in-laws in Queens anymore.
Look, I know it was an emotional purchase,
but I did it, it's done.
And now I need to get something
into his hands immediately, buy me some time.
So I need my money.
When?
Today.
Okay. Sure.
I'll get you your money today.
I don't have my ledger book on me.
I just got to look at the ledger at least,
make sure things are ledgered.
Fine.
And there were some expenses I had to deduct from your money.
- Business expenses, all legit. - Okay.
And I bought some hairspray. Remember the hairspray?
You asked me to buy some hairspray.
- Absolutely. - Okay.
I'll look at the ledger, get to the bank.
You'll get your money,
sans the really expensive hairspray.
Great. Thank you.
I don't know what you need all that hairspray for,
but that's your business, so...
- Were you gonna make a call? - What?
I can go in the back if you need some privacy.
No, I was not gonna make a call.
Just 'cause you stand next to a phone,
people think you're gonna make a call.
You know what?
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
Stretch the legs.
- You want anything? - Just my money.
Yep.
I'll be right back.
Hey. I got to use the phone.
I'm currently wooing a lady.
- Okay. - I...
You hung up.
If you tied the ropes tight enough,
she'll still be there when you get back.
- Huh? - Tess, it's me.
Susie? It's so early.
Have we heard from that guy from the insurance company?
- I really got to get... - Wait.
What?
- Shit. - What?
Ah, for a moment, I thought Skint was dead.
Well, that's my life in a nutshell.
Fucking focus here.
- Check. I need the check. - Yes.
He called yesterday, said we could come by
and pick it up at the office.
Great. Good. We are going this morning.
I will be by in an hour.
All right. Geez.
Hi. Uh...
Can I help you?
Why? Are you with the...
Wait. Hold on.
Ha.
I'm actually getting pretty fluent here.
I ordered tea, and I told the plumber to fix the toilet.
I got tea, and he fixed the sink,
so we're getting close.
Here we go.
Ni hao.
There's more. Just, um...
You méiyou...
Something, something. Where the hell is "something"?
Wait. I'll find it.
Uh...
You méiyou nali women keyi...
Uh, hold on.
Five minutes.
You bing gang gen...
Yep. Right behind you.
How do you know what I want you to do?
You don't listen. You just care about you.
What you want.
That is not true.
I work very hard for this family!
I am always the one you send in to...
You rang?
Really? You sent Li Wei after him?
- You want to tell me what's going on? - I didn't know they were gonna
send him up there... or that he could fit through the door.
He says he hears your club is doing well.
- Hold on. - You're kidding, right?
This is my neighborhood now.
I'm gonna learn to speak the language.
Uh, okay.
Uh, my... place... of...
Joel, people have a life expectancy.
Yep. Tell them the club is doing sensational.
Great buzz. First few nights completely sold out.
And I have big plans for the place.
Uh, private events, specialty nights.
I'm thinking of putting in a kitchen
and starting food service.
Hey, can you amp up
the excitement a little? I'm selling here.
No! No food. No private events. No kitchen.
Food will make the money smell.
He either stops doing well or he just stops.
- What did he say? - I can't tell him that.
What did you say?
You tell him now.
Mei, please. What are your parents upset about?
I never said they were my parents.
She used to listen to you.
You let her go to school.
It's a law!
I've got parents. That sounds like parents to me.
You've grown too close to this man.
This is not why we brought you into this.
I did everything I could!
I gave him a jukebox with nothing but Chinese records
in it, for Christ's sake!
That was months ago. Now I hear you bring him toilet paper.
No more!
You will have no more contact with that man.
You tell him to leave.
Now!
So...
The club is doing too well.
Most landlords want their tenants to do well.
I never said they were the landlords.
- Mei... - They wanted a business that looked legit
but didn't cause too much of a splash.
A dud club means less eyes on the parlor.
A successful club means eyes.
They just assumed your club would fail.
Why?
'Cause you're a Jewish ex-plastics salesman
who suddenly opened a club in Chinatown
with an English to Chinese dictionary from the 1800s.
I...
- Shit. - My expectations were low.
Well, why are they mad at you?
Because I was supposed to make sure you failed.
Is that why you gave me a jukebox
with nothing but Chinese records in it?
No. That was a gift. Please.
So, if I'm reading the room right,
the people who may or may not be your parents
and may or may not be my landlords,
- they either want me to fail or... - Leave.
I thought "or die," so "leave" is better.
Hey, Mata Hari, what side are you on now?
Your side. I swear.
I'm not sure if that helps me or not.
Thank you.
You're welcome, man.
Faster! Faster! Faster!
- Look, look! - Oh, Ethan, that's wonderful.
You know, when I was a boy, I had a sock.
That was my toy.
Stuck my hand in it and said, "Where did my fingers go?"
That was the game. The end.
And nobody cares.
Well said, Moishe.
I have knishes hot out of the oven.
- What are you reading? - A book.
- Is it Peter Rabbit? - It is not Peter Rabbit.
I read Peter Rabbit.
Next up, Proust.
Why do you have fur on your lip?
That's called a mustache.
It looks like a crawly caterpillar.
It does not.
- It does. - I think it moved.
That's because I'm talking.
Stop that.
- I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.
- I'm already up. - But I'm getting it! Rose.
- Abe, my goodness. - Well, they're being mean.
None of the grown-ups are doing anything to stop it.
- Shit. - Hello? Maisel residence.
Shirley? It's Miriam.
Miriam, hello. It's Miriam.
Where are you calling from? Prague?
- Yes. I'm in Prague. - Well, take a lot of pictures,
and tell them you love Jesus Christ.
It sounds pretty lively over there. What's going on?
- It's Ethan's birthday. - No, it's not.
Yes, it is. I made three cakes.
Shirley, it's not Ethan's birthday.
Whatever you say. I have to check the cutlets.
Speak to your father.
Hello, Miriam? Are you in Prague?
Make sure you work Jesus Christ into every conversation.
I will. Hey, why did Shirley say Ethan's having a birthday party?
- His birthday's in November. - Not anymore.
What-what do you mean, "not anymore"?
Eh, November was bad for us. I have deadlines.
Moishe has his spring fabrics arriving.
Shirley's cousin Yetta is coming for a visit.
I don't know what your mother's doing,
- but it was bad for her, too. - I have work, Abe.
Your mother claims she has work,
so it just didn't work for any of us.
Are you seriously telling me you rescheduled Ethan's birthday?
He's five.
- What does he know? - Papa!
What? The boy has three cakes,
and we're taking him to Coney Island
- to ride the Wonder Wheel. - I can't believe this.
How does this affect you? You weren't going to be here
- for it anyhow. - What's the matter?
Miriam's upset we changed Ethan's birthday.
- Why? - No idea.
Papa, you don't just change a little boy's birthday.
We changed your brother's birthday twice.
- He never found out. - You...
Who are you people?
This borders on inhuman and unfeeling
and... Wait, did you change my birthday?
No. Listen, Miriam,
we have to wrap things up here and get to Coney Island.
Ethan! Wish your son a happy birthday.
- It's not his... - Ethan!
Hi, Mommy. I got
a fire truck, cowboy guns
- and a baseball. - Ethan.
We're gonna ride the Wonder Wheel.
Honey, all of that is exciting,
but today is just not your actual...
Happy birthday, baby.
I want cake.
Hi. Uh, we are here for the Myerson check.
I'm Susie Myerson. This is my sister, Tess.
And how are you this morning?
Fine. We just need our check.
Well, let me have a look-see here.
Ah, you're Mr. Frick's clients.
Yes, we are. Does he have the check?
Why don't you have a seat, and I'll buzz him for you.
- Tell him to bring the check. - Will do.
You have to relax.
- I'll relax when I get that check. - Well, well,
the Myerson girls. How nice to see you.
- Well, technically, I'm a Dooley. - Nobody cares.
Uh, hello, Mr. Frick. We are here for the check.
You mean you're not here to see me? I'm hurt.
I'm kidding. Would you two like some coffee?
- No, we're fine. - Do you have any hot chocolate?
You want a balloon, too? We'll just take the check.
Sure, sure. But Mr. B said
not to let you leave without saying hello.
- Who? - Great guy. Come on.
Mm.
Make yourselves comfortable. He'll be right in.
Susie, I'm not really good at reading certain situations,
but this seems a little...
- Fucked-up. - Yeah.
Where are we?
I didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, we're not scared.
We love secret rooms with no handles on the door.
I'm Mr. Bartosiewicz,
but you can just call me Mr. B.
I'm Susie. This is Tess.
I know who you are.
Should we sit?
Okay. Let's see what we have here.
We just came by to pick up the check
like Mr. Frick told us to, so that's why we're here.
To get the check.
You're gonna get your check.
Great.
I just need some answers first.
Where were you two girls when you heard about it?
About what?
About the fire.
Church.
Church?
Yeah. That's where we usually are.
Uh, in church or going to church,
- coming back from church. - Mm-hmm.
And what about you?
Put me down for church, also.
Okay.
So, you're both in church.
That's when, um, Tess' husband found us there
- and told us there was a fire. - It was very upsetting.
Thank God we were in church, where everyone's upset.
And your husband can corroborate this?
Finding you both in church?
- He's drunk a lot. - Mm.
- So his memory gets fuzzy. - Mm.
Any idea how it started?
The drinking? Oh, that's a family thing.
He's talking about the fire, Tess.
Any theories? Wild thoughts?
Yeah, maybe Mom fell asleep with a cigarette in her hand.
Yep, that does happen a lot.
Of course, your mom is dead, so...
Right. I forgot.
She is dead.
- Tess. - Bad wiring!
That's good. Bad wiring.
Bad wiring. Interesting.
So, is there, like, an investigation going on or...?
Just working the case.
Case. So it's a case?
You know, some neighbors reported
seeing a couple of women paddling around in a rowboat
- that night. - Women in a rowboat?
What's this world coming to?
They said they were drinking beer, laughing,
- singing, at one point. - Oh.
Do you have any idea who those two women might be?
- No, we do not. - Yeah, beats me.
Okay. Well, unfortunately,
there's still some loose ends we need to tie
before we get that check out to you,
but we will be in touch.
- So no check today. - Not today. But...
Denise did bring in some of her coffee cake.
I bet I could scrounge up a piece.
- Ooh. - Hey, how about a good faith down payment?
You know, ten percent to show you care?
Wouldn't that be nice, huh?
Yeah.
Hey, so, can we leave?
No reason why you can't.
Nice to meet you, Tess.
Boy, he seemed nice.
Nice? Were you paying attention?
They know what we did, Tess.
So, what, you think they're not gonna give us the check?
I think they're gonna call the cops.
Over that shitty house?
Hey, arson is arson.
You make it sound so dark.
What are we gonna do?
Do you think we're gonna go to jail?
I-I don't want to go to jail.
Okay. Well, let's just tell them that.
Don't you snark at me, lady. I was doing you a favor.
I know. I know.
And now I need you to do me another favor.
Us another favor.
That guy in there holds our fate in his big, meaty hand,
- and he likes you. - Me? No.
- You think? - Of the two of us,
there's only one he wanted to bend over that desk.
Well, that's nice.
We need to flip this guy, Tess. Okay?
He has to be convinced to overlook the fact that we are
the worst fucking criminals in the entire world.
No. There have to be worse.
Take one for the team? Get this guy on our side?
- By doing what? - The same thing you did
that got our high school principal fired.
I'm a married woman, for Christ's sake.
If that meant anything to you at all, I wouldn't ask.
You think I'm a whore?
That I ain't got a line in the sand?
- Huh? - Tess, I have seen you
let your tit fall out of your shirt for a free beer.
Imported beer.
I'm not saying you have to fuck him.
But when you see him,
I want you to think Heineken.
I will see what I can do.
Okay. I got to go.
You're good? All, uh, shaved and everything?
- Go. Please. Now. - Okay.
Bye.
- Okay, this one's done. - Great.
What's in here?
Manny?
- Teacups. - I don't have teacups, Manny.
- Tchotchkes? - What am I, your fucking grandmother?
I don't know. It's not Jockey shorts.
- I'm not going near your Jockey shorts. - Well, that's a relief.
10:00. I'm gonna have a cigarette.
You can't smoke in here, Manny.
Even though I helped you pack?
And it's my Jockey shorts.
- What are you doing here? - Can I come in?
- Why aren't you on tour? - I...
- Didn't you go with Midge? - I did.
- But... - Yes, come in.
Where's Midge? Is she on tour?
- Is she okay? - Miriam's fine.
What's "fine"? Where's "fine"? Define "fine," Susie.
Relax. God, you two have a weird relationship.
I need Midge's money.
- You told me not to give you Midge's money. - I know.
You said under no circumstances was I to give you Midge's money.
- I know what I said, but... - Plus, you realize
you never actually gave me Midge's money, right?
You were gonna get me Midge's money,
but I never got the money, so I don't know
how I could give you the money that you haven't given me.
And even if you had given me the money,
you told me not to give you that money,
so either way, you can't have the money.
Okay. I need you to loan me the money.
- Loan you the... - Yeah.
- Bank check would be best. - Sure.
- Though cash would work. - Uh-huh.
Let me get this straight.
I wasn't supposed to give you the money
that you're supposed to give to Midge
that you didn't give to me,
but now I'm supposed to give you my money?
Even though I know because you told me two days ago
that the minute you get any money,
- you lose it immediately. - Yes.
- Nap time. - Mr. Maisel.
Mr. Maisel, we've had a security breach,
and the building is on lockdown.
You run fucking slow.
Don't you ever not sign my guest sheet again.
You hear me?
- We were talking. - Please continue.
It was a private conversation.
I might have respected that if you had signed my sheet.
- Susie... - Look, I just need the money.
So, one more time from the top?
- What if I had a gun? - You don't have a gun.
- But if I did? - But you don't.
- I have a gun. - On you?
Or you got to run and go get it and run back again?
What happened to the money
that you said you were gonna transfer to me, huh?
The money that you were keeping for Midge? Where is it?
Know what? Never mind. Just forget it.
- Susie... - Just don't tell Miriam I came here
- when you see her. - When am I gonna see her?
Is she here? I thought she was in Prague.
- I got to go. - You do have to go.
Think it's nice you live with your mom, by the way.
That one could use a good smack.
Fuck.
One more.
You know it's June.
We like the picture.
What should we play?
You look like sporting men.
I guess your card, I get a drink.
- Beat it. - Oh, no. I'm good.
You'll love this. Tell him.
- I don't know you. - Oh, well, I'm very famous.
I perform for crown heads of Europe.
And the rest of their bodies if they're still attached.
I have met the queen. She matched me drink for drink,
and then we...
Slippery stool here. Now, wouldn't that be a story?
Cause of death: slippery barstool.
Not a manly death like fighting in a war
- or choking on steak. - Christ.
Take a card. I'm a pacifist and a vegetarian,
so I guess it's the deadly barstool for me.
Put it back.
Ooh.
- This your card? - Shit. Yeah.
- Whiskey neat. - You're picking those up.
Think of a number. I guess right,
you pick up the cards.
- Fucking hate magicians. - Oh, that's just Alfie.
- He's a regular. - Yeah, well, if he tries to pull
a quarter out of my nose, I'm gonna jam a rabbit up his ass.
- Shit. - Pick a card.
I guess right, you buy me a drink.
- Maybe some other time. - Oh, bad day?
- Wow. You are magic. - Here.
Just for fun. Which hand?
- What am I, six? - For fun.
Get your mind off things.
That one. I watched you pick it up.
Which hand? For fun.
I know you're having enough trouble finding money as it is,
- right? - What?
Which hand?
Two out of three. Which hand?
- Wait, that was two out of three. - Three out of four.
Just for fun. Can't let you go up in smoke,
- right? - Hey, how did you...
- Pick a hand. - I'm gonna be fucking wrong!
- Have a little faith. - Alfie, come on.
I was trying to let you win.
Look, pal, screw with someone else, huh?
You know, it's not good to sit in a bar when you're depressed.
He's gonna keep talking to me.
Sometimes it's good to be somewhere
that makes you smile.
Alfie.
Where would you like to be right now?
- Fucking place but here. - Hmm.
What's the opposite of here?
How about... here?
What the fuck?
What the hell just happened?
You just bought him a drink.
Fucking hate magicians.
Everyone stay together.
- Oh, boys, look. - It's not a real mermaid.
- She sold us pickles earlier. Keep moving. - Hi.
Boy, Abe, are you fun.
This wasn't supposed to be an all-day outing, Moishe.
Stop that. The agreement was one ride on the Wonder Wheel,
then home. Stop that.
It did not include the whole of Coney Island.
Stop that. We have now been heading toward the Wonder Wheel
for a full two hours.
We've stopped for games and T-shirts
and funny pictures of us sticking our heads
through cutouts of bodybuilders and cowboys.
I mean it. It's time we do
- what we came here for already. - Look what I got!
- Oh, for the love of God. - For Jacob
- and Petey and Moishe and Joely. - Thank you.
We've come to a dead stop here, Shirley.
And for Rose and for me.
We can give out ice cream and walk at the same time,
- can't we? - Grandma, Grandma. - And finally...
Oh, the birthday boy.
By the time we get there...
- Wait, no ice cream for me? - You don't eat ice cream.
You don't eat anything, and she got you one.
I got to get something to drink.
We'll lose the others.
Oh, they'll be back.
You know, I schtupped your mother
under this very boardwalk.
Thank you for that.
Just thought you'd like a little family history.
- Two. - You got it.
Everything okay at the club?
Fine. Why would you say that?
You got a look all Maisel men get
when they got work troubles or prostate issues.
I just...
got these landlords,
and they're a little upset with me.
- Why? - The club's drawing too much attention
to their other business.
- You know, downstairs? - Ah, yes.
I can't be at war with these people.
For many reasons.
- Then you got to pay 'em. - I do pay them.
Not rent, you yutz. Payola. Give 'em a taste.
I don't think that's what they're looking for.
Of course it is. There's not a thing in the world
that money can't fix. You see your son?
Had a fit to win that Popeye doll
at the whack-a-mole game back there.
You think he's really such a terrific whack-a-mole player?
You saw him. All he hit was the kid next to him.
I slip the guy five bucks,
suddenly, Ethan's the king of whack-a-mole.
Five bucks. Got the doll. What did we learn?
Nothing. Including how to play whack-a-mole.
Abe, please. It was an accident.
You saw we took a wrong turn and said nothing.
And now we have to double back around the Parachute Jump,
and if we get vomited on from the sky,
it's on your head. Stop that.
This is a wonderful camera, Mr. Weissman.
I'm glad you like it. Keep up.
I got beautiful shots of the boardwalk
and the ocean and very funny pony rides.
- Double-time, double-time. - I was thinking
- we could get one all together? - Absolutely not.
Hello. We need, uh...
Did you boys bring any money from home?
No? Great. Guess I'm paying.
Joey!
Tell your parents I'll give them ten percent of the take.
- Joel... - Just tell 'em.
First of all, I never said they were my parents,
and second of all, this wasn't a shakedown.
Whatever it is, that's the deal.
I'll tell them five and let them say ten.
You're just so much more successful
than you were supposed to be.
So, now that your search and destroy mission is over...
It wasn't a search and destroy mission.
Just a destroy mission.
Now that it's over,
you still gonna be coming around?
Yes.
A lot. Too much.
It makes you feel any better, the rent they're charging you
- is really low. - That's something.
They will be raising it next year, however.
It will be ridiculously high and unfair.
Terrific. I'll see you tonight?
Yes. I'll be in my rent collector's outfit.
If anyone can pull it off, it's you.
Pretzels! Get your pretzels!
Get your pretzels! Pretzels!
It's short. He owes me a dollar. You owe me a dollar!
Abe, either go over to the booth and discuss it
or accept that he owes you a dollar.
But if I go over there, you will all follow,
and I will never get this... Stop that.
I will never get this train back on the tracks.
- Who wants some funnel cake? - Shirley, no.
- Me! - Say cheese!
Zelda, please. I'm gonna take that camera back.
Abe, I have to make a call at 3:00,
so we either have to be done with the ride by then,
- or we should wait until after. - Who are you calling?
It's a potential client, if you must know.
Is this that matchmaking business again?
I-I have to tell you, I don't get it.
Well, you don't have to get it. Only I have to get it.
How lazy are people anyway?
I mean, they can't just find spouses on their own?
- You didn't. - Of course I did.
I met you through a family friend. Sonja.
Yes, Sonja the matchmaker.
- Mama! - Miriam.
Mommy!
I heard someone had an unexpected birthday.
- What are you doing here? - You said you were
- in Prague. - I did, yes.
- But... - Explain later. Everyone, on the cars. Now.
Why aren't you on tour?
Why'd you let them change our son's birthday?
- It was out of my control. - Same here.
I wish you'd told me you were coming back.
We could've moved his birthday to tomorrow.
I was actually hoping I could talk to you all
about what happened. Maybe we could go somewhere...
No time. Rose, move. Shirley, go with Rose. Oh.
- But-but, Papa, I... - Miriam,
we'll pay attention to you later.
Ethan, go. Joel, go. Moishe, go.
- If I could just talk to you for a minute. - Sorry. Jacob.
- Petey, go. Zelda, come. - I want to stay here
- and take pictures. - Papa, please. - Oh.
Miriam, um...
Return this for me.
Mention that he shorted me a dollar. Don't press it.
I'm not threatening legal action.
But if there is someone official around,
complain in a very loud voice, then cry and faint.
But... Wait. Wait!
- I want to talk... - Tickets, please.
- Sorry. I got to... - Lady, what are you doing?
- There's a line! - Mama, I really need...
Oy.
Miriam, I don't understand!
How are you here if you were in Prague
- this morning? - I decided to come home early!
- Why? - Because they told me to!
- The Czechoslovakians? - No!
- Was the tour canceled? - No!
- Just me! - What?
I said something onstage that they didn't like,
so they fired me. I was fired!
- No! - What?
What did you say? What did she say?
Oh, Miriam, how awful.
- What did you say onstage? - Just jokes!
Very funny jokes,
which I must point out was the job description,
but they got mad and dropped me from the tour.
At the airport. On the tarmac.
Outside where everyone could see you? How humiliating.
I'm sorry, did you say you were fired?
Yes, Moishe, I was fired!
That's very disturbing to hear, Miriam.
Especially as your lender.
- I know, Moishe. - Wait, what did you say?
I'm sorry, Moishe!
Did he say "as your lender"?
I will make it up to you, Moishe!
What does that mean, "as your lender"?
Your contract was your collateral.
Do you know what collateral is, Miriam?
I do, but you're going to tell me anyway.
Collateral is that thing you used
to get me to sell you that apartment back!
- What apartment? - Your contract had numbers
indicating money.
And a Christmas special with Bob Hope.
Remember the Christmas special, Miriam?
The Christmas special never had Bob Hope in it, Moishe.
- What apartment? - Our apartment.
Our apartment? You bought our apartment?
Yes, I bought our apartment.
And you borrowed money from my father?
- Why is that bad? - It's not.
It sure as fuck is!
I don't understand. What did she buy?
She bought her apartment!
- What apartment? - Our apartment, Abe!
You don't have an apartment.
Their old apartment, Abe!
I can't believe you borrowed money from my father!
Joel, I'm not going to mention that I picked up
on a very insulting tone there, but I did.
- Why would you do that? - Why would you do that?
Because I loved that apartment!
Because I was happy in that apartment.
I want the kids to grow up in that apartment.
They won't have a yard!
I know, Shirley!
Can we get back to the point that I was swindled
and my son insulted me?
- You did not get swindled. - I did not insult you,
and she didn't know she was gonna get fired.
- She should've assumed. - Why?
Because you can't tell a joke.
I've told you that over and over and over,
but you just won't listen!
That's right! You won't!
I will figure out a way to get you your money.
- How much did you borrow? - Why do you want to know?
- I'm talking to Midge. - Would you like some privacy?
- Maybe I can help her out. - With what?
Sonja was not a matchmaker.
- Of course she was. - No.
Matchmakers get paid. No one paid her.
- Your mother paid her. - What?
Abe, for God's sake, you were 30 and unmarried!
Plus, your wardrobe.
They had to throw in a savings bond
and a Turkish ceremonial rifle set
- for my father! - That's where he got that?
I need a pen. Who has a pen?
Aren't you supposed to be prepared for anything?
That's the Boy Scouts, Moishe.
I need to do some math here!
You do not need to do any math! You will get your money.
- I don't believe you. - You think I'd lie to you
- on my son's fake birthday? - What?
That was our apartment! You should've discussed it with me.
- Why? - At the very least, I could've told you
to never borrow money from my father.
How did I become the bad guy here?
Where did you get the idea to buy your apartment?
How did I wind up in a cage with Petey and Jacob?!
This funnel cake is delicious.
Ethan!
Is your funnel cake delicious?
Jacob, is your funnel cake delicious?
Petey, is your funnel cake delicious?
Hey, lady, shut up!
- You shut up! - No, you shut up!
Two thousand feet in the air. That's a very dangerous height
to tell a Jewish man he's been had!
What about a Catholic? Is it a good height for a Catholic?
Was that the joke that got you fired?
You'll get your money.
- If I had a nickel... - What?
If I had a nickel! But I don't because you got fired.
Who wants another funnel cake?
I did not intend to tell everyone this way.
Look, when we get back to the house,
we can sit down and discuss this
like normal, civilized goddamn people!
Okay?
So fun.
Say cheese! - Oh!
Every day, I get home from work, and she's left me a list.
"Take out the trash. Fix the sink. Walk the dog."
- You got a dog? - "By the way, we got a dog."
Now, I know we've had some problems,
but still, I'm doing everything I can to make it all up to her,
- and she's not giving an inch. - Have a good night.
- See you next time. - Plus, she's never home.
She's always at secretarial school,
which is probably why the lists she leaves me
are so professional.
So, today, I'm out with Fletcher...
- Who? - The dog. And I'm thinking about everything,
and I'm starting to get mad.
I decide to confront her. Tonight.
So, she comes home, and I'm standing there,
all ready for that cold, steely,
Oktoberfest pretzel waitress stare of hers,
and I say, "Imogene, we need to talk."
She says give her a minute. She goes into the bedroom.
Two minutes later, she comes out.
Completely naked.
- Imogene? - I am frozen. Speechless.
And then she smiles and says, "Have a great night at the club.
Tell Joel I said hello."
And cool as a cucumber,
she turns and just leaves the room.
Are you serious? She said to tell me hello?
Fuck.
One second.
Our first shakedown.
We are officially in the nightclub business.
Bank's open tonight.
Follow me.
Sit.
- Okay. So, what's... - Don't talk.
Midge needs her money.
- Yeah, I know. - No.
That's talking.
She needs her money
in order to pay my father for our old apartment
that, apparently, she bought back from him yesterday.
Did you know that?
She did it when I wasn't looking.
That's some top-notch managing.
You are kicking a one-legged dog, man.
Okay, well, she needs her money,
so I am going to write you a check.
You will then write her a check based on this check,
and she will have her money
and will never know that you did not.
Really? Wow, I can't believe you would do that.
Hey, listen, you are not most of the things
I have called you in the past.
However...
before I hand this over to you,
we're gonna have a little chat.
- Shit. - Yeah, shit.
Exactly shit.
And you are gonna tell me everything.
What happened to Midge's money,
what you did with it, what she thinks you did with it,
et cetera.
How big a drink you want?
- This big. - Coming right up.
Any messages? Shit, are you sure?
I was supposed to have a gig this weekend.
Okay, what about Harry Corn?
Did he have any messages about a gig?
Chip Glenn? Anything for him?
Well, who's got a gig I can steal over there?
It worked great in Boston, Philly.
I get to Denver, nothing.
Well, it's an East Coast joke. My lunch joke,
I have a different sandwich for each part of the country.
- Which sandwich is funniest? - Hoagie.
- Hoagie is a funny sandwich. - Put that away.
Someone sees that check, they'll follow you home,
knock you in the head and steal it.
Follow me home? That's 50 blocks.
Why not just knock me in the head right outside?
I'd love to, but first, can we talk business?
- Of course. - So, past is behind us.
Shy who? One less what? Fuck him.
- Moving forward, we need a game plan. - Agreed.
- And I was thinking... - Well, if it isn't Mrs. Maisel.
I told him not to do this.
I am not doing anything. I'm just stopping by
to say hello to a fellow comic and... Oh, look here.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah, we saw the Jack Ballard thing.
- Oh, this is better. - What is it?
It's a good, old-fashioned hit job
- about a certain Mrs. Maisel. - What?
You know, she comes out of nowhere,
and suddenly, she's palling around with Lenny Bruce
and opening for Shy Baldwin. Blah, blah, blah. She's a whore.
And there's a picture.
"But suddenly,
the seemingly charmed downtown darling
has landed right on her pretty derriere.
Rumor has it she was unceremoniously dumped
by the Baldwin team right there on track six
at Penn Station. They left her unemployed
and clutching her suitcase."
At least he likes my ass.
"I hear a similar thing happened with Sophie Lennon.
Mrs. Maisel has quite the knack
for securing these choice jobs..."
Blah, blah, blah. She's a whore.
"...and a better knack for losing them.
What is the real story with this giggle girl, anyway?
And what exactly happened at that show at the Apollo?
- I'll get back to you on that one." - Well, my work here is done.
- You are a sad, little man, Eugene. - I am.
But I have my moments.
No, he doesn't.
Who the fuck is this guy?
- L. Roy Dunham? - Don't know,
but he's seen The Sweet Smell of Success one too many times.
You know what really sucks about this?
That gig? That Apollo gig? It went great.
- The crowd loved me. - I know.
And they loved me because I just went out there
and started talking. I didn't have anything planned.
I just riffed.
- What's the point? - The point is
that's always when I'm the best, Susie.
Think about it. Think about my truly great shows.
Not the good, solid, polished ones
but the ones that were epic.
You know, the first night drunken tit-wagging show
- comes to mind. - The Sophie Lennon showcase.
- That one still hurts. - But epic, right?
The one you arranged with Lenny. The Penny Pann takedown.
Ruined my marriage and any chance at happiness,
- so great set. - Great fucking set.
- Detroit. - Kansas City. New Orleans.
- Myrtle Beach. - And now the Apollo.
All those shows, one of a kind.
The kind of shows that only I could do.
- Agreed. - Susie.
- Miriam. - You know what's great about me?
- Your humility? - No.
It's when I'm me.
So, why would I wait
until I finally have enough power
to say to them, "I want to be me"?
- What if they never let me be me? - They will.
I want to be me every time I walk out on that stage.
- You will. - No. Listen,
if I'm gonna do this, Susie,
if I'm gonna leave Esther and Ethan for weeks on end,
miss their birthdays...
Real and fake... Their recitals and school plays,
I'm not gonna do it for a bunch of lipstick jokes
or bad room service jokes.
- Yeah, but... - No. If I'm gonna do that,
I'm gonna say exactly what's on my mind all the time.
Every single show, I am gonna say something.
Yes. Fine. Clearly, that is the goal.
But if you are gonna open for a guy like Shy Baldwin
or Pat Boone or Rosemary Clooney,
you may have to do a room service joke.
- Then no more opening act gigs. - What?
I will only do gigs where I can say what I want.
- Midge... - That's what Lenny would do.
That's different. He's Lenny Bruce.
Well, then make me Lenny Bruce. Make me a headliner.
How am I supposed to do that if I can't even book you?
I don't know. You're my manager. Manage me.
Miriam, I hear you. I do.
But you know as well as I do
that's not how the business works.
Then let's change the business.
You know, my father once said to me,
"If you're gonna have a voice,
you better be careful what that voice says."
Now, he was talking about anti-Semitic Nazis.
He's always talking about anti-Semitic Nazis.
Two anti-Semitic Nazis walk into a bar,
and one says to the other, "Who does your taxes?"
But a voice... Thank you.
But a voice is a powerful thing.
It can shine a light
on something that is hiding in the dark.
It can make a couple of guys sit when they want to go.
Yeah, sit down!
It can change the way people think,
which can change the way people act.
But it can't do anything if you keep your mouth shut.
Well, lesson fucking learned.
Thank you and good night!