Hey. You know the 5th grade starts tomorrow again.
What?! Does that mean we have to get up at 8:00?
Oh, calm down.
- You slept 95% of the summer. - Yeah.
- What about Summer? - Yeah, she's nice.
Uh, vomit.
- Summer, where's Mommy? - I'll put you to bed tonight, Kayla.
We're getting older. Mom'll be gone someday.
It's 5th grade. Time to be a grown-up.
- Where did she... - I won't drink coffee or like boys.
- I'll fill my own water bottle, get bangs. - Is she still gonna...
Everyone got bangs, but my forehead's getting bigger.
I don't wanna look like a parade float or an alien and be the talk...
Way to be strong, Dad.
Going to Westlake next year?
My cousin said there's a kid who smokes there.
- You see anything? - No. A lot of yappin'. Come on.
- Ah, there we go. - All right.
Another year, another batch of 5th grade head cases.
Kabir, Anthony, welcome.
You from New York, new guy? Patriots suck!
That's New England.
- I think your shirt's on backwards. - Come on!
- Look at this. Bunch of motormouths. - Yep. Same old, same old.
I saw Cara in a sweater from Gymboree.
- There's the snotty clique. - Tween Queens.
- The Facade Squad. - Peaking at 11.
- The "sick and should've stayed home" kid. - Always one.
There's the class clown who secretly despises himself.
That's hysterical, Cole!
- Thanks, Cole! - Jeez, how many Coles this year?
Reminds me of the Justin avalanche of 1991.
God forbid we ever see a Richie again.
Bro, no way, are you taller than me now?
The inevitable Cheez Doodle kid.
No, those look like Dorito fingers.
- We just moved from the Bronx. - You're new? Wow.
That's hard. Never had to leave friends, except when we went to Myrtle Beach.
On the flight home, the old lady next to me had arthritis.
I opened her mustard packet.
- First child. - No filter.
Never heard the word "enough."
Okay, guys. Are you excited?
Most of you have been going to this school for five years.
Some of you, seven. And now you're the big kids.
I hope everyone's met our class pets, Leonardo and Squirtle.
I'm not touching those things.
Don't they eat, sleep and poo in the same place?
Hey! I poo where he sleeps.
Now what if I told you
there's a big reward at the end of this year if you do well in class?
The Academicathalon thing?
Look at her work these kids. Salinas, what a pro.
Best since Ms. Bielecky in the '60s.
And what if I told you this year's winning class
gets a field trip to somewhere special for a whole day?
Yeah!
Wow!
- Salinas havin' a baby? - The belly's poppin' a little.
Oh, Zane, I'm afraid you can't bring snacks into the class.
I'll hold those, just for now.
Cheetos. Wow, didn't see that coming.
At the end of the year, our three 5th grade classes
compete in art, debating, science, and history.
And if our class wins, we get a trip to Magic Land Park!
Don't they have the Dragon Coaster? I heard it caught fire once!
- Yeah, it was banned in Europe. - Yes, but not in Florida.
Yep, havin' a baby.
Okay. Let's see how much you guys already know.
Who knows what you call it when a plant…
…converts light to food?
- The conversion's photosynthesis… - Photosynthesis.
- …turning H2O and CO2 into glucose. - Into glucose.
- Ah. - Excellent job, Mia.
Oh. So…
Oh, boy. Divorced parents.
Okay, honey. Thank you.
You're okay. So sweet.
Okay.
Let's look at some of the books we're gonna read in class this year.
Who's heard of Charlotte's Web?
Oh no. The kids always cry at the end.
Like kids don't cry enough? We gotta trigger the garden hoses?
- Crying's for weaklings. - Right.
We'll meet Fern and her pig, Wilbur.
It's a stupid book anyway.
- Right. Animals never talk to people. - Plus, no one gets to eat Charlotte.
You just have to hear about this delicious spider for days
and get hungry thinkin' about it.
…like you'll learn this year.
Sorry, Cole? Is there something you wanna share?
That's so gross!
I can't believe you did that!
Sorry, guys.
Man, that smells good.
Send some of that our way next time. Gettin' sick of the lettuce.
Hi, Mrs. Salinas!
- Hi, I'm Cole Wiseki's mom. - Oh, hi.
Can I... Real quick? For Facebook?
Thanks.
- Cole is a very... - That's gonna look great. Thank you.
Since when do people wanna look like ducks?
Isn't that something, how they've grown?
And in 5th grade, you'll find your kids wanting to make their own choices.
Embrace it. Let them make their own mistakes.
How long does this go?
Not terribly long, Dr. Wenger.
Now, some of you may have heard about Mrs. Salinas', uh,
incident in class.
I want to confirm it has nothing to do with anything she ate in the cafeteria.
She's just gonna be taking some time off. A leave, let's say.
Wait. For how long?
Here comes the bomb.
For, uh… Till she has the baby, let's say.
- What?! - Having a baby?
Are you sure? Did she get a second opinion?
Are you kidding me? This is what happened in 3rd grade!
The substitute was awful!
I'm texting my daughter right now! She'll be devastated!
You can't just say that!
Look at these lazy class pets. Do they even move?
- I'd like that job. - That lizard looks pretty old.
Do I look old?
Mm-mm.
Thank you.
It's a Tuatara. They live a long time. Till about 75.
Hmm. Never knew that. Suck on that, hamsters.
Wow. Looks like he's gettin' close to that.
Bye. Nice seeing you.
Ah, he's nuts.
I mean, you're old, cranky, lazy, but no way does that make you 75.
Seventy-five. Seventy-five. Seventy-five.
Underneath it says,
"Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the Moon."
We came in peace...
1949.
- What about it? - I was born around then.
How many years has it been since 1949?
No idea. That's addition.
They learn that in 2nd grade. We're all about fractions.
Great. Why can't they move us around a little, so we can know more?
Okay, four sixteenths equals how many fourths?
- She's leaving. They don't hear a word. - 1966, 1967…
- What're you doin'? - Trying to count how many years old I am.
1968, 1969, 1970…
I'm out of toes and fingers. What else can I count with?
I'd tell you, but there's kids around.
I was talkin' about his tail.
Addition… I… I gotta talk to some 2nd grade pets.
Forget it. We only see those pets at fire drills.
They don't happen until November.
What the...
- Huh? What? - Is this a fire drill?
It's probably nothing, but let's go. Anthony, why don't you grab the pets?
Everyone evacuate! Stop, drop and roll!
I think I'm on fire!
Jeez, we just redecorated!
Someday, cops are gonna carry that kid off a plane. Huh?
I'll park ya right over here, fellas.
All right, here we go.
Hey, guys, how was your summer? Do anything fun?
- Sleep. - Sleep.
- Eat. - Lot of poopin'.
Terrific. Say, who's 2nd grade again?
- That's me. How ya doin', Lizzy? - Great.
I'm actually Leonardo. Lizzy's the iguana in Mr. Marculia's homeroom. You're…
I'm Cinnabun. I know. So corny. Just got renamed again.
Oh. Well, beats "Thumper."
I guess. What's bad are the Hare ones. Hare Brain, Hare Piece, Hare-y Potter…
Right, right. Hey, the 2nd graders, you guys do addition, right?
…Hare Lip, Hare Club For Men.
Yes, and subtraction. We do both.
Great, okay, look. If I got here in 1949,
and it's 2023, what does that make me?
Oh. Uh, I know this one. A reptile.
Shmuck.
Okay, it was a false alarm.
The school is not on fire.
No, how old would I be?
No. Right, subtraction. Okay, um, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, 74.
- Seventy-four. Isn't that right before... - Upsy-daisies.
Wait, wait! Hold on!
That's the number before 75, isn't it?
What's the matter? You look upset.
Cinnabun!
Settle down.
I'm a lizard. Ooh.
That's good. Don't dignify it.
Doesn't matter. I'm doomed.
I'm 74 seventy-fifths dead.
What? That's not for class pets.
When you're in captivity, 75 is the new 70.
And, hey, you wanna live so bad, a little exercise wouldn't kill ya.
- Like what? - Blinking's good. That'd be a start.
- I blink. - Barely.
Fine.
Okay. You didn't have to dive right in.
Who am I kiddin'?
I can't start this rigorous workin' out at this point in my life.
It's too late. I blew it.
I wasted my life!
And now, it's almost over.
Go about your business.
Everyone, meet your new teacher.
This is our substitute?
You have to leave? So soon?
Well, my doctor thinks I need to rest through my pregnancy.
So until I'm back, you'll have Ms. Malkin.
It's not brain surgery, gang.
Guys, you don't have to be afraid of change.
Change is a beautiful part of life.
- Oh, I don't sing. - Oh, okay.
How about we continue with the class. I'm gonna teach with Ms. Malkin today...
- Please don't leave us, Mrs. Salinas! - Oh.
Agh! Down! Now! Down!
No hug! Sit!
In class, we sit up straight, pay attention, and we are what? You!
What? Oh, my God. Um, we're quiet?
That's very good listening, Logan. That's a heart for you.
The hearts are for when the kids listen. To motivate good...
Listening is not a favor.
When you listen, you get knowledge, not a carnival prize.
We have a chance to go to Magic...
Ew. What was that?
Peanut butter and ham. My dad overslept.
Okay, well, we're out of time, so let's wish Mrs. Salinas well. Bye-bye.
- But, I... The class is... - No, no. I know. Out we go.
- Better luck with your own kid. - Okay, guys, see you in...
Moving on. It's Friday. That means one student has to take home a class pet.
- What's this now? - Uh, we don't do that here.
Not anymore. No way.
In my classroom, you will learn responsibility.
You will feed it properly and return it in healthy condition.
Alive.
Do we have a volunteer?
- Come on. Somebody raise your hand. - What?
Remember what happens at the kids' houses? They forget to feed you or abuse you.
It'll grow back.
- Yeesh. - Hey, it looked cool in the '90s.
I'm waiting. Volunteer, please.
Don't you get it? This is my shot.
So I go with one of these kids, case the house for open windows,
then when I'm alone, zip! I escape.
- Ha. You couldn't zip when you were 20. - I'm zipping. And then I really live.
Maybe climb a tree. Swim in a sewer. See the Everglades.
The Everglades? With those untamed animals? Are you nuts?
You know they don't even have names, right? It's anarchy.
You think a rock potato like you can survive there?
- Your last days will be in a beer can. - Let's go.
Who's gonna take on some responsibility?
- Or do I have to pick? - Well, if no one else will…
I don't want them to feel not wanted. Everybody wants to fit in
and shouldn't be judged on looks, species, foreheads.
I have to go indoor skydiving tomorrow,
but my father'll be home, so if it's okay to...
- Pick one! - Okay, the lizard!
Listen, when you're out there in the wild and those animals come after you,
remember to change your colors and blend in!
- That's chameleons. I'm not a chameleon. - Oh, well, then you're a dead man.
Tomorrow's indoor skydiving. We have to get ready.
It's exactly like skydiving, except you can't get hurt.
Okay, we have a busy weekend.
Do I have to wear a dress to Grandma's? It'll be pants weather on Sunday.
Jayda said the word "puke". She said it wasn’t a curse word. Is it?
I feel bad leaving him. Nobody wants him near the dinner table.
He's good with his water. Back soon!
Kayla, don't look scared of him. That's being mean.
It's on.
Yeah.
He's nice, the new kid Kabir, but he doesn't talk a lot,
at least not with me. Maybe he's shy since…
Then I burned my tongue. It didn't, like, burn off completely,
or I couldn't tell you how I ate my mozzarella sticks.
Hey, Leonardo. You missed a great movie. Tomorrow I'll take you down for breakfast.
I hope they have everything bagels left. I don't know why we get sesame bagels.
Mom asked me to try one, I was like, "Why would you take off the poppy seeds
and the salt…"
Wait, where are you?
This is a nightmare! I'll be the kid who killed the lizard,
no matter what I do in my life.
Whether I do drama, be a doctor... I'll never be a doctor now.
I could work at the DMV. Hopefully, the one next to Quiznos.
I don't wanna go far from my parents.
Mother of Godzilla!
What was that?
Well? Who said that?
The wall? Walls don't talk. Why would a wall say anything?
Why point to it? They say, "If these walls could talk,"
because they can't talk...
The trophy!
You said something! You just spoke! Mom!
- No! - You talked!
You're talking!
I'm telling Mom, or people will think I'm crazy.
I'll have to go to that school in Tampa for kids with issues! I...
But please, people can't know!
- Why are your hands wet? - They're naturally moist.
Please, I'm begging you to keep quiet.
If people know I talk,
they'll send me to a scientist or something.
- But I have to tell someone. - Please.
You're the only one who can hear me.
Oh. Then why are you whispering?
Because you were, and it sounded fun.
Do all lizards talk?
I don't know. I never met them all, but we never talk to humans.
- Why are you talking to me? - Well, I didn't…
Because I want to. I think you're nice.
Really? Thanks.
I don't know if people think I'm nice. It's so hard to read people at school.
People say you're nice to be nice,
and if they say you're nice, you'll think they're cool...
I get it.
You say "I get it" a lot.
That's 'cause I understand things. That's all. "I get it." I've been around.
- Okay. I thought it was something else. - Like what?
- That you want me to stop talking. - Oh. Wow.
Really? Like, "Wow, that's crazy"?
No, more like, "Wow, I didn't think you were that self-aware."
I can tell. People are too nice to say I talk too much,
but I can tell from their faces that I'm talking too much.
Like, old people make this face. And babies kind of look sleepy.
And the bus driver's face is like, "Stop." But I can't stop and I…
Sorry, I'm listening. Please, go ahead.
I've seen a lot of kids who talk a lot. They seem...
Right. This is normal. A bunch of kids...
I said, "I get it!"
I know I said "I get it" again. I'm sorry.
It's just that last one wasn't even a rhyme, it was a repeat.
They don't really like...
Ask a question?
Wow. It's not like I don't care about the other kids...
I know. It's great you're good at talking about yourself.
When people share stuff, they feel better.
So if you get other kids talking about themselves,
they'll like being with you. More than they do already, I mean.
Five-second rule.
Well, that was really nice. Thank you.
Oh, yeah. Glad to do it.
Hey, remember, you can't tell anyone, ever.
Or we won't be able to talk again.
Okay. So I'm your special, secret friend? That was a question.
Uh, yeah. Sure. And good question.
- Thanks, Leonardo. - Call me Leo. Less Ninja Turtley.
Summer. You need to get to bed, sweetie.
Mom, what's the square root of 91?
What? Please just get to bed.
I don't mean just any question.
Okay. Right. Got it.
Find your new seats.
Oh, back already? You saw the whole world in one weekend?
Wow. Hey, how were the Everglades? How high was the Eiffel Tower?
- What was the Pope like? - Could you not do that on my pillow?
Put those computers away. We will not be studying our curriculum on toys.
Russian judge.
Slow down. No running.
No eating the books!
Oh, Coach Kimura.
Oh, I apologize. Let me… Let me clean that for you.
There we go.
This is so unfair. Ugh! She'll work us till we have no energy.
Then we'll only get into schools with drug problems.
Forget about winning the trip. This is a nightmare.
It's worse than when I lost my phone.
Worse than when my dad wore bike shorts.
Worse than when I got lost on a plane, which is hard to do, but really scary.
Like a horror movie, though my parents won't let me watch them,
unless you count the furnace in Toy Story 3, but that...
Oh. What should we do about it, Jayda?
I'm totally telling my parents about it. My dad has a lot of pull,
because he gives the teachers free zit cream,
but you should tell yours too.
Why are you talking to Summer?
- I like her now. - Uh, I know. I do too.
- What was that all about? - She likes me. She thought I was fun.
You fun? What'd you do, turn your head more than once?
Oh, what a showman.
Get all your mean jokes in now,
'cause the next kid who takes me home is the last kid.
Sure they are, Mr. Chicken-to-leave.
Whatever you say, Mr. Wants-to-get-bitten.
Oh, I'm shaking, Mr. Almost-as-brave-as-Scooby Doo.
Duck, duck, duck, goose!
Ow! Okay. Okay. All right! That's not the game. Kids!
…the Stamp Act. Eyes up here! For those of you who did the reading…
- Salinas never taught this stuff. - Yeah. What's a stamp?
…the first tax levied directly
on American colonists by the British Parliament.
Skyler, what did I just say?
Answer! How did the colonists react?
Demerits!
You do not want demerits.
- What's a demerit? - I think he played for the Clippers.
You're going to leave 5th grade with discipline,
or you are never going to leave 5th grade.
Eh.
Who has the discipline to take a class pet home this weekend?
I'll do it. I'll take Leo again.
"Leo"?
Again? Who would want it twice?
Not one of you is man enough for middle school, are you?
Ugh. Not now. I'll take the lizard.
Oh, you'll have so much fun with Leo, Eli. You think, maybe, I can visit?
Really? That'd be great. Zane's coming, but we can all hang...
You kids having a fun play date?
Uh…
Sure.
Sorry about those chips, Zaney. Can't be too careful.
Have a kale cupcake.
Do I have to wear the safety suit all weekend?
Lizards carry disease, honey.
Kids and dogs are especially vulnerable.
Um, I think my mom wants to pick me up.
- Thank you, Julie! - They had the best time.
Could you go cut his chicken into non-chokeable pieces?
Hey.
Ow!
Ha-ha.
What? It'll grow back.
You're dressed like a 1950s astronaut and I'm the weird one?
Oh, now you're threatening me, Doodlepoo? Do that...
What?
- What... - Dinnertime, Eli!
Eli, now! You need three hours to digest your food before bed.
This is totally crazy. You talk?
Just to you.
- 'Cause, uh… - I'm special?
Uh, yeah, that's right.
Oh. Okay.
But you can't tell anyone. They'll try to kill me like E.T.
But my parents told me when someone says, "Don't tell anyone,"
that's when I have to tell.
Well, your parents are right, but that's with strange humans.
I'm just a strange lizard. Okay?
- Please don't tell. Especially him. - The drone?
No way. You saw what it did to the Cheetos out there.
I mean, it's nice that it's loyal.
Come on. When I was six, kids thought it was cool.
- Maybe you should say something about it. - I don't want to hurt its feelings.
I know a way. I've seen kids break up over the years.
You write down why you're dumping them,
and it gives the other person time to soak it in and not snap.
It's a "Dear Drone" letter.
Get a pen and paper.
He's just doing it for show. See?
He knows he's recyclable.
Let's just give him some space.
Nobody's ever gonna like me like he does.
Kid, they don't even know you. Now you can finally show your stuff.
Uh, I don't have any stuff.
Ah, you just gotta find your gimmick.
There was a boy in 1998, Mike Djokovic.
He memorized all the words to "Walkin' on the Sun."
Smash Mouth? No? Look, it's got a lot of words.
The point is, plenty of kids have a gimmick.
It's okay. I got a few.
- Uh, get me a caterpillar. - For real?
Trust me.
Oh, that's perfect.
Okay, here we go.
So gross!
Wait.
What the...
Here, let me show you something.
Eli, where's your safety suit?
Try doing this.
Very good.
Fore!
- You nailed that thing. - What was it? A possum?
I don't know, but you hit it in the jellybeans.
Wanna quit and go home? Can't top that.
Not everyone's invited.
Yes, I'm back.
Where's your tail? You escaping one limb at a time?
Just give me some space. I got hit in the jellybeans.
I forgot that was there.
Salinas was teacher of the year! That substitute lady's unacceptable.
Do the skin cream samples I give out mean nothing to you people?
How do I get that horrible woman replaced?
Dr. Wenger, please. She's sitting right here.
- So? - Jay, it's not polite.
Fine.
May I speak about you as if you're not here?
Listen, my kid was on track to get into Westlake next year,
Langley Prep in three years, Dartmouth in seven years,
then a moderately happy marriage in 14 years.
I paid for that smart board and this light switch.
If I'm letting you keep this animal as her teacher,
you're gonna do something for me to fix this.
Four seconds. Three, two, one.
Pencils down.
Except Jayda,
who will now be getting two more minutes
due to her permanent jet lag.
Quiet. No discussion.
Now, one of you has to take home a class pet.
Volunteer or be assigned.
I'll take Leo again.
- What is the deal? Leo? Again? - You can't take a pet twice, right?
Because I would... I mean, why do you want him again?
Um, 'cause he was awesome.
- Why do you want him? - Uh, same reason. Awesome.
Wait. If it's awesome, I want it.
It's supposed to say, "Dr. Skin,"
not "Dr. Skid."
S-K-I-N. No D's.
Jayda, I dyed the cat green.
So unoriginal.
Isn't that great, what I got for you?
- Drake's coming to my party? - Eh, I'm still on it.
I meant the pop quiz, the two more minutes.
- Who takes care of you? - What did Daddy do?
Well, Benji, Jayda's substitute teacher is a horror show…
Making the kids read big books.
No!
So Daddy got Jayda something no other kid gets.
What, Daddy?
Should we put the lizard in my room? The birthday party's coming up...
Not now. Daddy's bragging.
Ugh. It's like the worst day of my life. Nobody's focusing on my party.
It's going to totally suck, and the other kids will be happy about it.
What? Why would they be happy?
Because they're all jealous. Wait. What? Who said that?
That was me.
- Oh my God! You talk? - No, it's not safe.
- You're the only one who can hear me. - So awesome! We have a talking lizard!
- I can only talk to you! - Oh my God! Daddy!
Uh, sure.
That makes sense. But can you do tricks at the party?
Can you rap and play the piano with your tongue?
Nah, this is just between us. I'm talking to you to give advice.
- I don't need advice. I'm awesome. - Nah, you're miserable.
Wait, what?
Just like Emma Lawrence in '03, Nina Myers in '55,
all pretty, all rich, all bright.
- So? - Not done.
All snotty, all secretly hated.
- People were jealous. - Not of the snottiness.
Look, people don't realize the pressure someone like me is under.
My family is so amazing, so I have a lot more to live up to.
I have to get into the best middle school and have the best party
and, yeah, only the best people around me.
No, you don't.
Ugh, you don't get what being awesome's like.
But you're not.
I'm what?
Brace yourself.
A middleweight?
Great?
You're great, but no one's that great.
We're all just people and lizards.
There you go.
Bravo.
- Thank you. Great job, guys. - Thanks.
- Honey, maybe you wanna tip them? - What? The watches?
- Guys, you want some water? Anybody? - No, that's okay.
- Okay. Well, thank you. - Yep. Thanks, Mr. Skin.
- It's "doctor." "Dr. Skin." - Uh-huh.
Mom, Dad, do we have any more invitations?
More? I thought we excluded everyone you wanted.
Yeah, but we made a bigger list.
- Hi, guys. I'm so glad you came. - Thanks for inviting us.
Of course. How are you?
Uh, wait. I know this one. We're fine.
That thing sounded like Cole.
Wow. Zane is funny now?
Zane was always funny.
Like in 2nd grade,
when he told Mrs. Lemos that Superman came from planet Crouton?
- Hey. You kids try the bubble guy yet? - Dad, we'll get to the bubbles.
This guy's next level. He makes bubble animals.
Here you go. Next. You're not holding it right!
Jayda burgers. Jayda taters.
Jayda vegetables.
Please don't do this.
What're you looking at, boss?
Got a problem with compact legs?
What?
You think you got it so great out there? What do you do in the box?
Uh, I molt.
Occasional blinking.
All right. I'm sorry, brother. We're fighting the same fight.
I mean, the only fun I've ever had was biting some of that guy's fingers off.
I've asked you five times to jump through this hoop.
I'm just, uh… I'm getting old, you know?
Ever feel like time's running out, and this is all we're ever gonna know?
Were you just talking to that horse? Is he having a good time?
I gotta tell you,
the truth is, no animal wants to be locked inside...
Hey, Jayda. Hey, Leo. I can't believe how much cool…
Uh, I mean, hey, just Jayda, are you having a good time?
Thanks for asking me. My parents never ask.
They just assume I'm having a good time,
'cause they still don't realize they aren't that great.
- What would make you have a better time? - Good question.
- Okay. Standard magnetic lock. - Circuits are cross-current.
- Jumper cables. Balloon. - Right here.
This is so fun!
I specifically said "no mayhem!"
- Thanks, PJ. - Uh, TJ.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's cool. Jacked about the eye contact.
Stop that stopwatch. He's got my wallet.
You made it happen, boss. Greatest day ever.
- Hey, hey, hey. - Leo! Where's Leo?
- Did someone take him? - Please, somebody find him. Leo!
Leo! Leo! Leo!
You're not holding it right!
- Leo! Leo! - Where is he?
Leo!
You guys are really into that lizard.
He's just awesome.
Cheese!
- I had so much fun at the party. - Did you get a bubble animal?
Camel went on the waterslide.
- Again? Whatever happened to zipping? - Oh, you'll know when I zip.
I'll be in the Everglades dining on maggots
you can only dream about.
You were fun, Leo. I'll miss you.
If Santa Claus has 39 elves
making 1,981 toys an hour…
Freezing here. How about giving a guy some shell?
Wait. Ho, ho, Mr. Popular, now you wanna come in here with me?
It's 65 degrees.
These Central Florida winters are brutal.
Just a couple of minutes.
Hey, hey! At least buy me dinner first.
Wait. Are those my baseball cards?
Call me.
You're talking to them.
- That's why you keep coming back. - What? No.
Just a little bit.
No, no, no, no. There is no little bit. We don't talk to them.
These kids are all benefiting from my insights before I drop dead.
- Okay, so it's about your ego. - That's not what this is.
It's about sharing my 74 years of wisdom to help these kids with their issues.
Whether it's breaking up with the drone or having hand-me-down pants.
Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.
I had to wear my sister's shell till I was 16.
I made a huge difference with that TJ kid.
What? I don't understand. That's normal.
First one? Usually, it's in the front, but very nice. You're growing up.
No, no, no. It's my dad.
What's so funny? I told him that Dave Connaire,
in 1974, all of a sudden, grew a nose the size of a Buick just like his dad's.
And everybody still loved him, 'cause he was a cool kid, like you.
And the next week, Cole's problem was even tougher.
You won't do sleepovers, 'cause you say things in your sleep?
Well, if I'm not gonna tell anyone about you talking to me,
do you promise not to tell anyone?
Yeah. Of course.
This isn't my real voice.
I really talk like this. I can't let them know. I sound ridiculous.
This is priceless.
Well, I fixed it. I told him…
- You sound like a young Bee Gee. - A what?
How 'bout The Weeknd? Know him?
Yeah, like that.
Last week, he sang at the winter recital,
and I heard they went nuts.
Nice job, Ms. Malkin.
I'm sorry, was that praise?
Keep it up, and we may see more of you here.
- The class did great. - Did they win?
Nah, kindergarten always wins. Way too cute.
And you should've seen me last week with Mia.
You mean Huggy? The human cling wrap?
Excuse me. She has a name.
As you know, her parents were recently divorced.
Only two hours late today. Very considerate.
Are you letting him cut his own hair now?
You can't watch the kids next weekend, so me and Aurora can have
Valentine's Day together? I'm asking you one favor!
You don't have any plans. Because I know.
I'm sorry, but lizards do not talk.
Parrots, macaws, songbirds, and certain killer whales.
Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
Why would you only talk to me?
'Cause you're nice. You're great at school, answering all the questions.
- I love to learn things. - You're a lot quieter around your family.
Don't you ever wanna let 'em see how big that brain of yours is?
My brother and sister think I'm weird.
Really?
- You just looked like my grandpa. - Yeah? Is that a good thing?
Uh-huh.
My grandpa used to talk to me.
He really liked science, and he would ask me questions,
even if he knew the answer.
What? He sounds like a great guy.
He was my best friend.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean to get that going.
Please, kid, I hate that.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no. Don't be sorry.
Just stop. I… I can't handle it.
But my mom says it's good to cry.
Not where I come from. Here. Let me calm you down.
I'll sing you a lullaby, and you'll go to sleep.
Whoa. You scared me.
You're just doing what my grandpa did,
pretending not to know something, so I can tell you what's right.
Here. Scientific research has established
that crying releases oxytocin and endorphins.
These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.
I didn't know how to help her, so I just listened. And that helped.
Wow. So you got this E.T. scam going.
Got every kid thinking he's Elliott? This will end badly.
All I know is these kids'll remember me.
Did you hear about Hammy #3's funeral last week?
- Hammy #3 died? Didn't know that. - Exactly.
They say the funeral was a snooze. No one had anything to say.
I liked that white spot over his ear.
I liked the way he breathed.
He gave me pinkeye.
My funeral is gonna be packed with fond remembrances and anecdotes.
Yeah, good for you and your last week's vocabulary words.
And, buddy, that funeral could come sooner than you think.
- Me! Me! - My turn with the Geico thing!
Have fun, Anthony! Leo's awesome!
These things heads grow back too? Or just their tails? I'll figure it out.
Oh, no. Call my next of kin. This is how I want to divide my estate.
Help me!
- What? - I got your back.
- I couldn't let you do this one alone. - What are you gonna do?
You lay back. It's harder to hurt me. I got the shell.
What about giving advice?
Oh, like I don't know anything? I can do what you do.
Mm.
That was an incredible move! What strategy!
- Hey! - …Starting to let his…
Go straight to his head.
Hey, over here.
- What? - Ah!
- Oh, come on! - Forget that. I talk.
Oh my God. Grandma!
No, no, no. Stop, stop. Can't do that or we'll all die.
- What? Why? - I don't know. I… I'm telling you.
- You… You'll die. Just shut up. Calm down. - Oh, okay.
Fix your phone later. I'm a talking turtle. I picked you 'cause…
"I like your style."
- Take it down a notch. - I got this. Now, tell me your problems.
- What? - I… I can fix your problems. I… I… I…
I seen a lot of things in that 5th grade room,
and I can help. So come on.
I don't have any problems. Other than I broke my phone.
Ah-ha. Bully. I get it.
Come on. You're insecure, right? Every class bully is.
No. I don't know.
You're sad, you got something tearing you up inside.
Just say it. I'm a talking turtle. I can't tell anyone else.
Of course I'm a bully. I don't know what else to do.
- I'm just different. I'm not smart. - Nah. Everyone's smart in some way.
You're just afraid of trying and looking not smart. That's textbook.
- What's a textbook? - You know what? Never mind.
- I'm different in other ways too. - There you go. Come on. Out with it.
- You won't say anything? - No. What is it? What's the sadness?
I don't know how babies are made.
Perfect. That's very class bully.
Tough on the outside,
a self-hating pile of cottage cheese on the inside.
- Can you just tell me? - Oh. About babies? Sure. Here we go.
First, the daddy climbs on the mommy's back while she's swimming.
He reaches under the mommy to find her cloaca.
This goes on for about 24 hours.
Then the mommy comes ashore, makes a nest, and deposits eggs in the sand.
My mom made eggs in the sand?
Yes. So the fish don't eat 'em.
I crushed it. Totally fixed the kid's problem.
The taping me up, maybe it's 'cause he wants to keep me.
Stop!
You miss your friends from being held back.
Worried about being behind?
This is a tough time, but these are the best years. Believe me.
Enjoy not knowing everything.
Enjoy being a kid. You're a good one.
Do you miss being a kid?
I'm just glad I'm still here.
Okay, every one of you has had a weekend with Leo here.
So from here on, you'll be taking home… What's the turtle's name again?
Squirtle. My name is Squirtle.
I think it's Squirtle.
Squirtle sucks.
I beg your pardon? Why?
I don't know. He just sucks.
- I like Leo, though. He's nice. - The best.
- Yeah! Come on… - Leo's better than that turtle.
Oh, stop that noise. Stop it! What is so special about this reptile?
I like his skin.
His skin is like my grandma's elbows.
Uh, same.
- Same. - Same.
- Elbows. - Same.
All right. If you all so desperately want to take home that lizard again,
you'll just have to earn it.
I wanna get picked!
We'll do our homework and promise to bring it in.
You will all make my class a model of excellence,
and even win that Academicathalon, or it's the turtle for all of you.
Yes! Thank you so much.
Was this your dying wish? To turn a bunch of brats against me?
It's not about us. It's about the kids.
They're motivated.
They're gonna finish the year strong.
Yes!
Yeah, Louis Pasteur is the father of microbiology.
He discovered that dangerous microorganisms could grow in open water.
Wow! Well, now, that's impressive.
Class 5-C, you're one step away from going to Magic Land Park!
How great a job has our teacher done?
Bravo, Ms. Malkin.
I know a lot of parents weren't happy when I first brought you in,
due to your rep as a miserable person.
But if you win the History Fair on Saturday, we'll...
You'll prove all the doubters wrong.
Well, Principal Spahn, in the classroom, sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
I can't believe it.
Back to your posts. No five-highing.
- Oh, that pic is fire. - Thank you.
Hey, what is the deal? I've been waiting for your next Jenga move for 30 minutes.
Now did you make the costume or did your mom?
Tell the truth. You know I won't tell anyone.
I only talk to you.
- What? - Is that another phone?
Uh, I don't know. Uh, must be on Malkin's desk or something.
Oh.
- Hello? - Come on.
Leo, where'd you go?
I… I'll be right there.
Leo?
- Hello? - Hey, pal, toss it here. I'll handle it.
Can you hear me?
Leo?
Yeah, I think Malkin must have an extra phone.
Anywho, what did Summer say?
Oh my God, you can't all play Jackie Kennedy.
And, like, we so wanna slay this History Fair.
I know. That Magic Land Park trip would be awesome.
Hey, you're awesome because you tried your best.
That's why I'm your special friend?
Yeah.
You talk to Skyler too?
I… I just… Only because she...
That's Summer's phone in there, right behind yours.
- You happy now? For ruining this? - I don't know what happened.
I… I must've butt-dialed ya. I mean, butt-shot ya.
You don't even have a butt.
How dare you?
- You talk to all of us? - You said I was the only one.
You said I was the only one.
- I thought I was special. - You're all special. I...
I'm sorry! I just…
Seeing you guys getting along and doing great in class,
it felt like I was actually making a difference.
You did. This year would've been a nightmare without you helping me.
Ms. Malkin's so mean. Talking to you made the class bearable.
I was just worried if you all knew…
…other people would find out.
You told me not to tell anyone, and I didn't.
- Nobody did. Because we can keep a secret. - Yeah.
What, did you tell everyone I shave my unibrow?
Because I don't.
Hey, the only one he told about your unibrow,
or that you still eat your boogers, was me.
- And I barely chuckled. - What?
I'm leaving.
I tried.
Wait, it's Friday.
Aren't you gonna take me home?
Summer, it's your turn.
Please, I'm so sorry.
How can we trust you now? That was a question.
All right, what's everyone doing here?
Oh, you're leaving. Good. Take the whole day off.
You need to rest up for the history fair tomorrow. Go home.
Go. Shoo. Come on, out you go.
You and I have a lot to talk about.
I don't understand.
I… I know I lied to the kids. What did I do to you?
Excuse me, talking to my students behind my back? Advising them?
Okay. I feel terrible, but I was just trying to...
Undermine my methods!
Cheat me out of feeling any satisfaction from their success.
What? They learned everything you wanted. Why wouldn't that make you happy?
Don't think you can analyze me. I'm an adult.
Not a shrieking brat who thinks reading Canterbury Tales is torture.
It's not torture?
Quiet!
Asking me to be happy when I have nothing but these four walls.
- What about your family? - Excuse me, do you see any family?
Oh. Uh, not unless you're related to the gym coach.
- Those pictures are none of your business. - Gotcha. Never saw 'em.
I put my whole life into teaching just to be a mere substitute.
Never had my own class, never got any respect.
Look, I also had dreams that never happened.
Like seeing the Everglades, or spreading Salmonella.
But this year, I fell into something even better.
I really clicked with these kids.
Uh, maybe it helped, just a little, that you're a talking animal?
Yeah, but also, maybe it's you.
'Cause I've seen subs come through this school that kids love.
A fine teacher.
Wait, you were a student here?
You don't remember me? I was a lot different.
I was…
Oh, wow. Yeah.
You were very sweet.
I was adorable. And she…
Yes, she did.
She made me feel like I could do anything.
And tell me, do you think she was…
She made you her family.
That's what great teachers do. Even substitutes.
With the little time they have, they try to make a difference.
And that's what keeps them happy.
- Well, that felt wonderful. - I know you got it in you.
You're gonna get those kids first place tomorrow.
- Oh, you're coming with me. - No, please. They're mad.
Let… Let them focus on winning.
Well, I'm still taking you.
After they win,
we'll make sure they appreciate all you were doing for them.
You know what? You are special.
I couldn't sleep last night.
I couldn't stop thinking about what Leo did to us.
Let's just not talk about Leo. We're done with Leo.
We're ready. We can win this thing ourselves.
Good morning, my dear students.
- They look confident. - You sounded nice. Real warm.
Thank you. I'll keep you posted when I can.
I'm Betsy Ross.
I designed the first American Flag in 1776.
But I didn't just say what I thought the flag should look like,
I listened to others to see what they thought.
The result was the superior design we have today,
and also, people liking me more.
I'm Susan B. Anthony.
I played a pivotal role in the women's suffrage movement
in the 19th century.
But I'm not that special or great. And neither is my family.
So I can relate to average women who couldn't vote until 1920.
I'm Winston Churchill. "We shall fight on the beaches."
"We shall fight them in the fields and in the streets."
"We shall never surrender,
but we shall let them down easy, with a nice letter."
- "So they don't lose their minds." - This is wonderful.
You've taught them life lessons.
I… I can't hear anything. Can you open your pocket?
They burned me, Joan of Arc, at the stake, but I am not afraid.
Boo-freaking-hoo! Everyone's got problems.
I talked about it to a friend and felt a lot better.
Aw, I think that friend is you.
Malkin's Marvels, you're going to Magic Land Park!
Congratulations, class!
Yeah!
And to the first substitute to ever win Teacher of the Year!
You'll be chaperoned by Ms. Malkin and Coach Kimura.
Oh…
Is it over? We win? When do I come out?
What's happening?
Ms. Malkin, can we go see Leo?
- Honey, it's about to rain. - We can't go to our class for one second?
You know what the rain does to my extensions.
I gotta say, I thought you were some kind of a twisted animal.
A rabid, bitter bag of mothballs foaming at the mouth.
But I've never seen my Jayda speak like that. It's like she's, uh, nice?
That's our Ms. Malkin!
You really got to know our kids.
- What a special lady. - Get this woman a full-time job next year.
Oh, I think we can arrange that.
She's helped Summer make friends.
Cole's proud of his voice, thanks to you.
- How'd you do it? - Well… You know…
That's, um… my stomach. I… I better go.
She's not gonna make it.
What happened? I couldn't hear nothing.
Did we win? I thought I was gonna see the kids.
We're going somewhere very special.
We're all going to celebrate?
What, a pizza party?
Wow, this pizza's out in the boonies.
What's goin' on? You're leaving me here?
What about the kids?
They lost. The class embarrassed themselves and blamed you.
What? What was all that cheering?
That was for the other class. I'm sorry.
What did I do? I've never felt so bad.
Don't say that. You said the Everglades was your dream.
Now you can live it out, with no chance of ever running into the children.
Or their parents. Or the principal. Or the media.
I said it was my dream.
The kids are what I...
- What? - Where is he?
- Is he hiding? - He's not hiding.
He was here.
- You seen him? - What happened?
What a shame. He must've run away.
- He left us? - Oh, look.
There seems to be some kind of note.
- Leo could write? - Of course. He could talk.
Oh! He talked to you people too? Oh, I thought I was special.
"Dear class."
"I've greatly enjoyed my time with you this year,
but I wish to move on and finally see the world."
"I realize I broke your trust, and that can't be fixed."
"But if you would be so kind,
please keep our conversations secret, so that I'm not harassed,
like E.T. or The Iron Giant, or Splash,
or the classic, The Shape of Water."
"Simply attribute your success to Ms. Malkin,
whose integrity is beyond reproach."
"Best Regards, Leo."
Well, let's try and be happy for Leo. He's doing what he wanted most.
But we never even got to thank him.
That's life, gang. Life gets more difficult the older we get.
It's called growing up.
Okay, everybody. Be careful on the Dragon Coaster.
Wipe the chair and the safety bar.
Doesn't matter what the teacher says, you call us every half hour.
And don't lick anything.
They tried to put the shift on Kabir when he was up, but guess what?
- He can hit to right field too. - Oh!
That is something.
- What do you think Leo's doing right now? - I have no idea.
Sure, kids, why flip over the musty old turtle before you leave?
Even though he knows the truth? But no, everyone's gone!
Everyone but me and that pathetic…
Wait. Where's the allergy kid's phone? Ah.
Ha.
Here we go.
There's no time for lettuce. Flip me!
Okay, we gotta move!
Follow those brats!
Hey.
Shake it off, man. You're freaking everyone out.
Okay, let's hit it.
Ouch.
This is our last field trip together.
Why does it feel like our worst?
What?
- What is going on back here? - She did it!
- Excuse me? - I saw it. I saw the whole thing.
She took him out of the terrarium after you guys left that day.
She took him, and I wanted to say something,
but her and her vacuum,
they gave me the stink eye, and I slipped on, uh, somebody else's pee,
and I flipped on my back, and this whole thing is my fault
'cause I got jealous of my best friend instead of being happy for him.
I used the camera phone to bust him, but now I gotta bust you, Demeritface!
He's lying! This turtle can't be trusted. He turned on Leo.
Come on. You all know Leo's the reason you got this stupid trip.
He helped you with your weird kid problems.
That's why you won.
He wanted to do something meaningful with the rest of his pathetic time,
and he did it.
Why did you say, "The rest of his time"?
- He's dying! - What?!
He's gonna be 75. That's lights out for lizards.
- Oh, no! - He's dying?
But does Demeritface care? No!
All Demeritface wants is all the credit!
Another lie!
Then where is he, Ms. Misery?
Where's my best friend, Demeritface? Where is he?
- Out with it, Demeritface! - Where is he, Demeritface?
- What did you do with him? - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it now!
I took him, and I drove him away.
- That's crazy! Seriously? - I can't believe you!
He's right, I wanted the credit.
I thought it would make me…
- He's gonna die thinking we're mad at him. - Where did you take him?
The Everglades.
You sent him to the Glades? That's a terrible neighborhood!
- Those crazy animals will rip him apart! - Ms. Malkin, please help us find him.
We can't not see him again.
Hey there.
We need to change course. We're going to the Everglades.
What? We're going to Magic Land Park!
That's what the parents expect, and that's where we're goin'.
Oh my, our first fight.
Thank you. I'm fine.
Children, we're going to Magic Land Park.
Thanks, but a little too murky for me. How… How close are we to a drip tube?
Seriously, the microorganisms will kill you.
A kid told me that.
You guys never heard of Louis Pasteur?
What the…
- Someone help me out here. - Boss, is that you?
Wha... What?
Hey, that's the guy! The guy who set us free at that party.
That's the guy?
That's the guy.
I don't know what Grandma's thinking. We'll save him on our own, let's go.
Get this guy some algae.
And some of you.
Boss, you're gonna love it here. No trainers telling you what to do,
no bratty kids joking about your compact legs.
But I miss those kids.
What?
They're not bratty. You just gotta get to know them.
Like this one kid whose father's back had a gorilla situation.
I got this. You go back to the kids.
Hey, anybody see a buddy of mine?
He's green with bumps, got a tail, wicked ugly.
Okay, moving on.
- We're here, y'all! - Yes!
And I'm hungry.
- Let's do this. - Hi, welcome to Magic Land Park.
- Okay. Let me get... - A Cotton Dragon!
- A Wizard Puffs, please? - Me too!
- I'll take a Unicorn Balls. - Huh?
They're jawbreakers. Please?
Okay, gang. You getting all of this?
Oh, and I need one Fireblower hat.
Okie doke. Now we're ready, am I right, kids?
Are you kidding me? Hey!
- Go! Run fast! - Come on. Move it!
Come on!
Oh my God!
- Come on, Ms. Malkin. Hurry up. - Faster!
Just go. Go without me!
But you have to drive us!
Come on!
Come on, Ms. Malkin!
Huh?
The Purell!
Whoever did this will pay! Help!
He's coming!
- We have to get out of here! - I got this!
- What? - I'm from the Bronx.
I've been driving since I was eight.
- Yeah! Yeah! Do it! - Woo-hoo!
Oh my God!
Hey, pick a lane, lady!
A-ha!
I knew it. Leo?
Hey! Whoa, whoa. No. No, no, no, no, no. I hate it out here!
And I explained to them, I was just afraid someone would tell.
But now they're all mad at me,
and my funeral's gonna be even worse than Hammy #3's.
- Who's Hammy #3? - I think it's a sandwich at Arby's.
Why you talking about your funeral?
'Cause it's coming any day.
I'm almost 75 years old.
So what? We live to, like, 110.
What? But Skyler's dad said...
A hundred and ten, unless eaten by alligators.
I'm 97.
A hundred six. He's 74? He's a tween.
Look how fast he blinks.
I'm gonna live! This is incredible!
The guy's gonna live!
I gotta get back to those kids. I can redeem myself!
And we're gonna help you.
The guy's gonna live! The...
I said I was sorry!
I'd kill for lateral movement.
Guys, before you do anything, let's talk about why you're angry, okay?
Anyone's parents getting divorced?
- Aren't you gonna stop? - I'm trying.
But I weigh 80 pounds and this thing needs oil.
This looks scary. Oh, my God.
Come on!
What the… Is that some kind of woolly mammoth?
I don't know, but it could kill us, right?
Uh, definitely.
We're here.
Get back.
- Oh, gosh. - Oh, no, no, no.
That's a demerit.
You need to chill.
Summer, talk to him.
So I don't know if you know, but it doesn't really matter.
We were supposed to go to Magic Land, which is cool.
I've never been there. I don't like magic and roller coasters.
They just seem really boring. They're scary, which isn't boring,
but you're not doing anything, you're just sitting,
when you could be playing soccer or baking a cake.
I mean, my mom's on a diet, so...
How could Leo ever survive out here?
How do we even start looking for him?
I just don't know.
What? Leo, no!
- Oh, no. Leo! - Leo!
Leo, we just wanted to thank you.
I'm so sorry I got mad. We all are.
We won the trip, Leo. All because of you.
You made me feel like I could do anything.
You brought us all together.
I never had a lizard that taught me so much.
Or any non-lizards either.
I'm not scared. I wanna hug you one more time.
What? They ate his insides!
I'm not...
Huh?
I'm okay, pal.
- I can't believe it. - You're all right.
Sorry I scared you. When I get nervous, I tend to molt.
Old habit.
Awesome!
That was the best funeral I could ever have.
Wait, but if you guys won,
shouldn't you be celebrating in Magic Land Park?
We couldn't celebrate. We needed to see you before you die.
Oh. Uh, who told you I was dying?
The turt... Uh, Squirtle told us.
Well, I thought I was, but I found out I'm not.
- You're not? - You're not gonna die?
You're not still mad?
This is incredible.
- We love you, Leo. - Are you crazy?
This is amazing!
I'm so happy!
You're right about the endorphins. It really feels awesome.
Ah. Oh, boy! Ah!
Still coming. Give me a second.
Hey, glad you're okay. Sorry about busting you.
I want you to have something.
- Least I could do. - It's okay. Put it back on.
You're gonna get arrested.
You should all be proud. We've all learned so much this year.
Now, before I go, I want to finish something else
that Mrs. Salinas started.
I'm going to read the rest of Charlotte's Web.
- Ugh, is she kidding? - Let's just get through it.
"Charlotte was dying."
"'But I feel peaceful, ' she said."
"'Your success in the ring was, to a small degree, my success.'"
"'Why did you do all this for me?' Wilbur asked."
"'Because I liked you, ' replied Charlotte."
"'After all, what's life, anyway?'"
"'We're born, we live a little while, we die.'"
"'Perhaps, I was trying to lift my life a trifle.'"
"'Anyone's life can stand a little of…'"
What? I was wrong, okay? Crying's doin' so good for me.
- Still wish I could eat spider babies. - Nobody's eating any spider babies!
Hi, guys!
Mrs. Salinas.
- I missed you. Come meet Cole! - Yes!
- Can I hold the baby? - He's so tiny.
Only one baby.
I guess she didn't bury the other eggs deep enough in the sand.
How are we gonna get through middle school without you?
You'll be fine. It wasn't me. You did it.
You trusted someone to hear your problems. That's all we need.
Remember, everyone's scared. So don't keep it to yourself.
Find your Leo to talk to.
It could be your teacher, your mom, your friend.
Your turtle.
They're ready to listen. I promise they'll make you feel better.
Ms. Malkin!
Needless to say, you've made your mark here.
And as I promised, I'm opening up a class for you to run full-time next year.
Well, thank you, Principal Spahn.
But I'll need one condition met.
Whatever class I teach, I want these two alongside me as pets.
Well, okay. I don't see that being a problem.
- Look at this. We're going with Malkin. - Change of scenery. Should be good.
Congratulations, meet your new students.
- Oh God! - Not in the shell! Keep it clean!
Lot of energy.
This is good, we're finally gonna learn the alphabet!
- Oh my God! - Yeah!
- What about Summer? - She's nice.
Uh, vomit.
Way to be strong, Dad.
The big time!